I was at church, a quick stop to the restroom and these lyrics kept coming to my mind today, "Listen to the sound of a new beginning, this is where the old is ending," "This is the first day of the rest of your life," lyrics from songs that I've heard a bunch of times on the Christian radio station. Actually my first thought was that these lyrics were from the same song but then later I realized they are from two different songs but both have the same message. I have thought about this before, one day I remember thinking, yes that's true, this IS the first day of the rest of my life, and when I hear it again in a week, that will be the first day of the rest of my life. Today it had a new meaning to me though. I really felt like God was speaking to me.
Lately, I've been realizing there are several things in my life I am dissatisfied with. I want to be a better mom, I want to deal with anger issues, I would like to be kinder and more loving to my husband, I want to be on time all the time, I want to manage my time better. We all get enthusiastic with our new years resolutions and then when we have failed shortly after the new year, we throw those resolutions out the window! Do we really need NYE to make us realize it's a new day and today we can do something different with our lives? The reality is that we can do this any day that we choose!
SO these lyrics were going through my head today and it made me realize that the last few years were a blur for me. It started with the miscarriage. I had one in fall of 2008. Ever since then, something in me changed. Most noticeably in my relationship with my daughter. It's almost like I lost interest or something, or maybe I had some sort of internal hurt going on that caused me to withdraw? I don't really understand it but I got pregnant again about a year later. My new excuse for everything was the pregnancy, "I'm tired" "I can't life you" etc. That pregnancy ended in a painful loss of child which I will blog about separately. So again in the fall on 2010, I got pregnant again. I again used all my excuses and feel like I just have not played with my daughter in years. I would do an occasional craft, make a necklace, or play barbies but it was so rare now. Very sad, I wondered, whats wrong with me? Am I the worst parent ever or what? Maybe God doesn't think I deserve another child. A lot of painful thoughts. Now I finally feel that the healing has begun. I have my baby that I have wanted for 3+ years now. You never know you are grieving until its behind you...like the saying goes "hindsight is 20 20"
So today is a new beginning, this is where the old is ending, and also this is the first day of the rest of my life. Welcome back Amber, the new Amber that is! Looking forward to life's adventures from this point on
